It looks fake, a coworker commented of my panorama taken in Northern Yosemite. The highest compliment for art, that it looks real; for reality, that it looks fake. Too good to be true?
At any rate, the trip was a bit unreal, and harder than usual both mentally and physically. I don’t typically carry a bear canister and a tent (and water, and a pump, and my clothes, and sleeping bag, and sleeping pad, and whatever else…). I’ve usually gotten off easy and my husband carries the food. So it was a hard trip, and I spent the whole time with my mind not right. Whether it was supreme court decisions or war or global pandemic-endemic or the impending summer break for my kid (the terror of 24/7 toddlerness!), I can’t say. I just didn’t feel right.
I didn’t revel in the wilderness like I did on the last trip. I didn’t marvel at nature, I didn’t soak it in. I just wanted to go home. Despite taking a beautiful panoramic shot, I guess I didn’t have the complete view that a panorama implies. I was tunnel-visioned, blinkered into some real dismay throughout.
But now that I’m back home, between four walls and on carpet, not dirt, I’m not savoring the easy access to fresh fruit or pizza or bubbly water or beer like I thought I would when I was out on the trail. I’m just muddling through, mindlessly eating crackers or cereal and neglecting the roadside stands flush with flesh (of the pitted/seeded kind, of course). I’m just kind of here.
I don’t know if it’s covid, or zoom, or middle age, or me–but things have felt muddled for too long. Is it up to me to stir things up, pour into a new glass, crack the glass for a new view and move on? Or do I continue as I did on the trail, one foot in front of the other, until I reach a destination and choose another?
I’m having a hard time seeing the bigger picture. I’m having a hard time zooming out. Do I need another hand adjusting the aperture or do I just need to rely on my own?
The Oak Fire erupted the day after we returned from Yosemite. Will it ignite change? Or will we all keep slow burning into nothingness? I can’t say right now, and maybe I’ll never be able to.